The College Tour Guide

Not all tour guides are alike. You’ll love some right off the bat, others will turn you right off the school. The important thing is to remind yourself that the tour guide is not a real person. He/she was created in a lab by cutting edge scientists and is the sole property of the admissions office. These creatures come in five variations.

THE PERKY TOUR GUIDE

Seizes any opportunity to squeeze the word “awesome” into a sentence
Over-excitement for the school has caused eyes to permanently bug out
Invents nicknames for every campus gargoyle
Plans on delaying graduation until old age or authorities remove her

THE “I NEED TO MAKE A FEW BUCKS SO I’M DOING THIS” GUIDE
Condenses the tour into five minutes
Half-heartedly relays anecdotes while referring to the school’s founder as
“some old white guy”
Answers every question with, “it’s in the brochure”
Makes up directions to popular campus destinations

THE HOT TOUR GUIDE
Looks like he just walked out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue
Points as much as possible to show off well developed arm muscles
Laughs rather than actually narrates tour
Poses for pictures for several hours after tour is over

THE SNOOTY TOUR GUIDE
Demands that everyone save their questions for the end
Manages to use obscure college facts as an excuse for bringing up high SAT score
Makes everyone feel inferior by handing out early rejection letters
Prattles on about Interdisciplinary major that has something to do with Mathematical Geophysics and Crocheting

THE JOCK TOUR GUIDE
Goes out of his way to catch a Frisbee
Randomly stops every few minutes to do pushups
Brags about large number of students who pick up “Athletes Foot” from dorm showers
Asks someone to read the campus signs for him

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