College Scholarships Even You Would Qualify For

Unless you’re a visiting alien who plays the trumpet or can claim to be part-Eskimo, it’s impossible to get any kind of scholarship to help defray the cost college. Sure, there’s a small minority who win the Coca Cola or Toyota Scholarships but for the rest of the sixteen million of you out there: you’re screwed.
There are, however, a few scholarships that exist whose broad criteria make winning that elusive dough more within reach:

The I’m a Woman, Hear me Roar Scholarship: For any woman who has ever roared for any reason, whether it be to get up congestion or because of a Robert Pattinson sighting

Do Nothing Scholarship: For those who consider not running over pedestrians when late for school to be community service

The It’s Not Worth Writing this Essay for $1000 Scholarship: For those students who decide that it’s easier to make a grand flipping burgers or selling drugs than writing a stupid essay

The “Alternative Disney Scholarships”---If you’ve ever squeezed Mickey Mouse inappropriately, you qualify for this one

The Scholar-Athlete Award: If you can read and throw a football (but not at the same time), please apply

The “Caring Environmentalist” Scholarship: Open to anyone who turns off the lights after leaving a room

The “Non-minority Scholarship”—If you’re white, have ever shopped at the GAP, consider cinnamon raison bagels to be ethnic food and have grandparents who lament the “changing demographics” of America

The “Advantaged Background” Scholarship: Open to anyone whose parents drive a luxury car and consider applying for financial aid “déclassé”

The “Followers Scholarship” Open to anyone who is a follower rather than a leader. Only considering students who do not think for themselves and enjoy taking orders

The “Not Really Science Talent Search” Calling for students to submit their third grade science projects. Dioramas, Plato models of the brain as well as human-like hand puppets are acceptable

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